Testicular Examination

3:47pm: Sorry that I haven't updated my journal in a while, but Jocey is super-lazy and would rather write entries in her own journal (which, for the record, is lame as hell).

I was out in North Dakota with my family for the holidays. I had a good time. My dad gave me four sticks of deodorant, so if anyone needs some of that shit, let me know. Otherwise I'll have to sell it on craigslist, along with my boyfriend's ass.

Speaking of Jason, he and I have changed Peeb's name; as of January first, she will be known as Buttplug McChubbins. Please make sure to address her as such or she and her mom will have to attack your legs. (And when I say "her mom" I mean her actual mother, our other cat, not myself. The day I refer to myself as a cat's mother is the day that Jocey has instructions to shoot me, for my own good.)

Jocey has asked me to post my recipe for kitty chowder here, so as a late Christmas present for her and the rest of you, here it is:

Maria's Famous Kitty Chowder
Buttplug McChubbins (formerly known as Peebs)
Cammy
Water
Pickles

That's all. I hope you all have a happy new year.*








*Jocey made me say that.

6:21pm: PeeBee is in the house.
Just so you know, I have not authorized this entry. jocelina is writing it without my knowledge or permission. But she can read my mind most of the time, so I probably will agree with everything written below.

My birthday/housewarming party was a great success, but since both Jocey and I were too drunk to recall much of it, no details will be forthcoming.

I decided to let one of Jason's cats keep its original name, which is Cammy. Instead of naming the other one Bula or Jason Albert, I named it Penisbreath McGee. We call her PeeBee for short, but don't be fooled into thinking that that's some sort of perversion of Phoebe or anything -- I might like Friends, but I would never pick such a lame-ass name, not even for a lame-ass animal like a cat.

I am going to see some stupid show tonight, which means I'm not around to play with Jocey, and she's mad. She's mad about it.

Yesterday she and I skipped class and went to Minnehaha Park. We walked around and made fun of the people with cameras. Jocey secretly wished she'd brought hers though, because she's a dork at heart.

I was sitting on one of the stone bridges over the creek while Jocey stood there eating yogurt (yeah, I know -- she's weird, isn't she?). She interrupted something I was saying to offer me some. I refused and started talking again, but she ignored me and started waving a spoonful of yogurt around in front of my face while saying, "Here comes the airplane! The airplane has to land! It's out of gas!"

So I ate it.

Sick as hell, dude. SICK AS HELL.

9:22pm: My boyfriend Jason will be arriving in town very soon. Unfortunately, he will probably be bringing not just one but TWO cats. I was okay with one cat, but two? I'm afraid that Jason Alexander and Bula will make our apartment smell bad, and shed all over the furniture.

As usual, this isn't me writing this. My unpaid and grossly underappreciated ghostwriter jocelina is writing this for me.

She and I were talking earlier, but she was cranky, so I had to let her go.

Me: Did you look at it? Did you?
Jocey: NO! NO!
Me: Ooo, you're testy tonight.
In unison (while giggling on my part, and wearily on Jocey's): ...testes.

She is lazy, so this is it for now.

1:40am: I'll eat up all your crackers and your licorice.
It's about time for my monthly journal update. Once again, I've assigned the task to my sidekick, jocelina so if this entry sucks, it's totally her fault. If it's good, well, that's just because I provide her with such quality material.

I have a cat update for you: the cat formerly known as Cammy is henceforth to be addressed as "Jason Albert." I named her after one of my boyfriend's friends. It's not quite as good as Bula, but it'll do. Plus, jocelina and 1shot's landlord is named John Albert, so it'll fuck with them every time I talk about the damn cat.

This update is going to have to be a brief one, because my sidekick is lame and has to go to sleep or something. I don't know what's up with that. She and I went to IKEA on Tuesday night and shopped for a good forty-five minutes, accumulating a cart full of stuff -- mostly mine, because I needed some things for the new apartment. I found some chairs, and an end table. I think she was going to buy towels or something equally lame. Anyway, we made it through the maze to the registers only to find that there were about fifty million people ahead of us, all with carts as or more heavily laden than ours.

We looked at each other.

"I don't really want any of this stuff," I said.

"Good," she said, looking relieved. "Neither do I. Let's get the fuck out of here."

We pushed our cart off to the side and tried to leave quietly, without making a spectacle of ourselves.

Unfortunately, we didn't realize that the gates at the closed checkout stations don't swing out, so we sort of ran headlong into those. We probably looked pretty damn stupid, but at least we didn't have to wait in those damn lines.

9:43pm: Wow, it has been a long time since I updated this journal. I'm actually not updating it personally, but have delegated that task to my associate, jocelina. Please let me know if she says anything stupid; she's kind of a dork. Not like me. I am cool.

This past weekend my boyfriend Jason came down to look at apartments with me. I bought a bed for his cat, which I hate. But I'm a nice girlfriend. Also, he lets me play with his balls sometimes (Jason, not the cat -- the cat is a girl, you perverts), so I figured I owed him something.

He was going to let me rename his cat, so I decided to call it Bula, after his current roommate. He didn't like that, though, so he gave Bula to his sister and is now bringing his other cat to Minneapolis with him. This cat's name is Cammy, which I think is stupid. I'm going to rename it as soon as I think of something really annoying.

"Mister Smith had dinner, watched some TV, and then urinated in the coffeepot." That is an actual sentence from the log book at one of the group homes I work at. I changed the name to protect the innocent, if you can call a man who pees in a shared coffeepot "innocent."

Well, I have a busy schedule ahead of me. I have lots of chores and drinking to do this weekend. jocelina and I are going to see The Wedding Crashers, which I'm sure we'll both love.

Ten four, little buddies. Over and out.

10:05pm: What are we going to do with you, dude?
Throw me in the garbage.

Who let the dogs out?

11:40am: I've been flaking out lately... I am going to try and get things together. I am so lazy today, probably because I'm a little hungover. I don't even want to go pick up the car that I brought in to get fixed yesterday... it would be too much work.
Speaking of work, that's what I'll be doing this weekend... which stinks.

10:19pm: I'm dealing with the same issues over and over again and nothing ever seems to get resolved. I have to learn to let go, I suppose. But it's hard for me to do.

This weekend should be a blast. There's lots going on and I'm excited... I wish everyone else were as excited as I am.

Grrr.... I should be in this great, free mood but I'm just annoyed with everyone.

11:25pm: Busy, busy, busy. Between work and school and work and projects, sometimes I feel like I don't have a lot of time. I probably do -- just not the amount of time required to keep my insanity at bay.

The pot helps, though. How I love it.

I work again this weekend which I am not looking forward to. Traumatic Brain Injuries are so unlike other disabilities. I'm not sure if I'm cut out to work with people who have them.

2:22pm: I don't know what it is -- maybe it's summer, maybe it's satisfaction. Whatever is different, I like it and I want it to stay.
I have been spending much less time at home. Mostly because I am extremely busy but also out of choice. There's people to see, things to do and I don't have the time to waste succumbing to OCD.
I have been taking walks.. getting my heart pumping and my legs moving. Going to school, starting project... basically feeling productive overall.

Breathe.

5:29pm: To everyone who is going gray -- I know, I know.

I found four gray hairs this afternoon (actually they're more like white) and I'm convinced there's more in there. It doesn't bother me that I'm going gray. I dye my hair anyway so it's not like it's a big deal. What is a big deal is what it symbolizes. I'm only 24 and I feel like I'm 18. But the fact that I am physically capable of getting gray hair makes me feel strange. Like I've entered a different era. I'm actually an adult. How strange...

8:35am: Why am I up this early?
Today is my one chance to sleep in yet I am up before 10am... I have no idea why this is.

I keep taking things from the damn free table in the hallway of my apartment building. People leave stuff out there that they don't want and I take it. All of it. So far, I've collected the following:

--7 strange pictures that I could possibly make something out of
--A polaroid camera that needs film and a battery (nevermind that I have a digital)
--A cute coffee table
--A brand new typewriter that works perfectly (I have a brand new printer with a scanner and fax)
--A spotlight of some sort (If I ever make a movie)
--A motorcycle helmet (it looked so cool and seemed like something I could definitely use)
--A pair of scuzzy boots (again, they looked cool especially next to the motorcycle helmet)
--A wicker basket
--Some gold craft paint

Stop the madness!

9:35pm: I got really sick after I got to work... normally when I am not well enough to be at work, it's because I'm sick of work. But by Saturday morning I had to call in a replacement. I'm glad I called someone in when I did. After I got home my fever soared to over 102 degrees. I was quite miserable.

I haven't been able to keep any nutrients inside me and I haven't even been hungry at all. I didn't eat anything for about 24 hours and I've only eaten about a quarter of what I usually eat today. I have to say that I'm not disappointed -- I don't like feeling sick but I do like not being able to eat so much.

The work week starts again tomorrow... woo hoo.

9:04pm: I only have a half hour before I should be at work and then I will be there for the entire weekend. Yeah, it's good money but it does suck to sacrifice a weekend that could be spent having fun.

I got out the old guitar today with a firm committment to actually get better at playing. We'll see when my ambition runs out.

I totally fell off the Weight Watchers wagon again. But next week, I'm all over it. We'll see when my ambition runs out.

4:07pm: It's been a little while... I'm officially done with my spring semester and I would like to say -- I kicked some major ASS. I did not work all that hard, I completely admit that. I kind of pulled things together toward the end. And in the middle. Basically I would goof around for a few weeks and then work really hard for a week.

I have this week and next week "off"... Off meaning I don't have school. I do have to work every morning and both weekends. June 1 is my first day of summer session.

4:04pm: Friday Afternoon Reflections
If I were less nostalgic and less kind I would have less friends.

Sometimes I wonder how many times I will let people step on me before I leave.

It's not one particular person, it's a lot of people. People who know me well enough to know what they are able to get away with.

Maybe my real friends are the ones who know how to fuck with me but don't.

I'm not a victim. But sometimes I feel weak.

11:41pm: Time to go to bed
Today was a lot of fun. I hung out with Katy all day... called in sick to training for my new job. Oops! I was feeling kind of sick but not for the reason I gave...

I needed a day to chat and giggle and play Who Wants to Be a Millionare.

We picked Amy up, picked up some burritos from Chipotle and went to Katy's house to watch the Friends finale. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time and it wasn't even at the television. Mac, Katy, Amy and I played Candyland during the commercials while Amy read the Candyland story on the box. Now that's just good, clean fun.

I have a lot to doi before tomorrow but I have gotten distracted by the television. My plan is to get up especially early to get everything ready.
We'll see if that actually happens.

11:55am: Falling off that damn horse
And I fell off of it again.

I honestly meant to only drink a little last night but I drank a lot. Oooooh, I can't think about alcohol right now.

I went to the Red Dragon with Katy, Amy and Kristen. Then Katy and I stopped at Rudolph's to see some of her friends from work. When we were walking out, we ran into Chad (a super nice dude who I met through Jocey) and since he was sober, he drove my car home. Then we hung out at my house and drink wine... then I got too messed up to be interacting with people so I went to bed.

Now I have a horrible hangover and Katy and I are going out to eat at some chain restaurant that caters to the needs of people with severe hangovers.

1:32pm: Wednesday?
I don't know how hot I actually did on that test. I did study but it is the last test of the year (besides the final) and it was extremely difficult material.

I haven't done anything socially since the weekend and I kind of feel like a hermit. I am supposed to go out with Kristen tonight to talk about business and Katy should be sleeping over so that will probably help. My life is pretty boring.

I am back on the Weight Watcher's horse which means I can not drink very much this evening. I have limited myself to one glass of wine or beer.

10:01am: Giving Time
I called in sick to work today for two reasons. 1) I needed to sleep in. I haven't been getting that much sleep lately and I needed to catch up. 2) I have a math test today and I need to study. I trained at my other job last night as well as the day before so I have not had a lot of time to go over the material.

Hopefully I can discipline myself to actually study this morning.

11:25pm: Another late night painkiller session
I had a small party last night... well, it was supposed to be small but more people than I thought showed up which was really cool. Everyone was so nice and polite. Definitely my kind of people.

Woke up with a bit of a hangover. Thanks to my awesome friends, my apartment was actually pretty clean. Shout-out to Amy and Kristen who picked up and put away all the food.

I burned a ton of Alison's CDs which she left over here today. A ton meaning about 30. She had a damn good music selection. I could have burned more but I ran out of blank CDs.

I have a lot to do this coming week so it's time to kick it into high gear.

Weight Watchers went out the window this weekend. Damn beer.

11:26pm: Painkillers make for a rambling, grammatically incorrect entry, full of misspellings
Wednesday I started to have severe tooth pain which I've had before but only temporarily fixed.. so I pretty much deserved to get it back. Unless you've had a toothache before, you have no idea how terribly painful they are. I can handle most pain. I can not handle toothaches. So, on Wednesday, since I could not get ahold of any dentists who would call in a perscription over the phone, I got drunk.

I don't drink nearly as much as I used to and I felt bad using alcohol to deal with pain (OK, not THAT bad) but it was all I could do to keep from putting a gun to my head. It worked wonderfully although I woke up at 8am and it started hurting again.

I went to the U of M dental school and I have to say, I really liked it there. I have been to my share of different dentists and never have I had people treat me as nicely and give so much explanation of what my options were and what was going to happen. I want to give a shout-out to Bob in Oral Surgery and Steve in Urgent Care. Word.

Anyway, in the waiting room, I felt a little better. I have no idea why. But there was a woman across from me crying to herself as I had been doing the night before. This is a forty-year-old woman. This is what toothaches reduce people to.

Anyway, to make a long story.... long, I had the tooth taken out. I'm getting a bridge later. They gave me vicodin and I have no idea if I really need it or not because I haven't stopped taking it long enough to feel any pain.

I started Weight Watchers today. I did not eat my full points worth of food today and I don't even feel hungry! I think it's because I hardly ate any fat all day so I could eat more... I don't usually eat a lot of fat but probably more than I did today. I am really going to stick with this. I have high hopes. The only thing that may throw me off is beer. I love beer.

11:14pm: Tea
I love tea but only the kind with caffeine.

12:44am: The difference between a bower and a shath
A bower is a bath that progresses into a shower. A shath is a shower that progresses into a bath. The first is good if you would like to take a bath, shave your legs and then rinse all the nastiness off you. The second is not quite as functional.